Monday, December 19, 2016

Unexpected Invite to the Christmas Ball

Hello Friends & Followers!

How are you all? Tell me in the comments bellow. :) I have a bit of news for you all! I got a job at my local mall now instead of the fast food joint I had been working for. It's a job I am a little more excited to be at. What do you all do for a job? Is it fun? What do you like about it?
It's been a bit of a hectic little while for me lately between school, work and preparation for Christmas.

I recently had the opportunity to go to the Christmas dance with a guy from my school, Mike.
I hadn't been expecting to go out to the dance because of what has happened between Andrew and I but even after that painful experience I still got asked to the dance, and hey, even if it wasn't by who I expected it turned out alright in the end.
Bowling before the Dance :)

My answer back for Mike. The note was inside the present all rolled up like a scroll. 

It was a really fun experience to get to know Mike better, we didn't know each other very well.  He is known to be a kid that is a little weirder than the rest, however, once I looked past that I realized that he had a few things in common with me and an understanding for Mental Health too. Even more cool though where his dancing schools whoa! That boy can dance! I also found out that he has ADHD too just like me. It was nice to find someone who gets my life a little bit again.

I don't know what will come for Mike and I in the future but I do know that it helped me learn to move on from my past with Andrew and in a small way try to feel a little more normal again. These past couple of months have not been easy without Andrew. It's a new adventure to find my place in the world again. 

About Landon and Chase: 

Landon and Chase have actually been really stable lately, therefore you here less about them in my posts. On the other hand I am very proud of Landon who has recently become a Priest in the Priesthood of our LDS ward. He blessed the Sacrament with my Dad yesterday. Landon is finding his place in the school now that he is in his sophomore year at our high school. As for Chase I can't believe he is already a sixth grader! It's crazy to think that I was just there not to long ago and now look! I'm a Senior at our High School. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukia, Happy Festivious, and Happy Hollidays Everyone!  

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

My Fallen Warrior

Hi internet friends :) Today I have a special treat for you! My Creative Writing Course just completed the personal Memoir unit.  I wrote my story about losing my best friend and yes, my crush too. Enjoy :)

My Fallen Warrior
Written by: Kirsten Eagleson

This isn’t any typical love story because the Warrior and I are not typical people. I was faced with one of the most difficult decisions of my life. To stay and to fight like crazy for my best friend, or to let him go. Both choices hurt. When he is fighting mental illness, there’s no easy answer. At seventeen years old it was all over our heads. I do believe we did our best, but it wasn’t enough.

We had something beautiful once, it pains me to know that all of that is gone. Probably forever this time. Just when I thought I had found my safe haven in his arms, it all came crashing down. For so long he was a good thing for me, but now, I wonder.

I met him in eighth grade technology class but we didn’t talk much and become friends until our freshman gym class. At that point It was half way through our freshman year. I was desperate for new friends. My story isn’t a pretty one. I felt that I would never find anyone who understood me.

On January 20th of 2014 he changed my entire world. It was the beginning of our journey together. I hadn’t wanted to talk to him at first because he was a boy, but I kept feeling like I had to. While we understood each other with an incredibly unique connection, eventually we found that we were not a likely match for each other too. With his Social Anxiety and my high energy that I now know is ADHD, we were two teenagers who didn’t know what we would be in for. However, I didn’t feel like I had to hide my own mental illness. He saw my challenges as beautiful unlike anyone had before.  

In February of 2015, I asked him to the Sweethearts Ball. This was the first time either of us had ever been on a date in our lives. This is the point that we realized we loved each other. I can still remember how beautiful his eyes were when they were focused on mine. The way he smiled at me when our eyes met was amazing. I remember how timid he was to dance at first until I took his hand and led him out to the middle of the dance floor. In that moment we were the only two on that dance floor. I took the lead and taught him how to dance that first slow dance. I remember him shaking in my arms, but he smiled with a smile so big you would've thought he just found the happiest moment of his life. I felt like I could do anything with him by my side. There was an energy in the way we sang the lyrics to each other. They were everything we had been afraid to tell each other.

Unfortunately, there was aftermath to the magic we cherished that night. His friend was jealous and sought to break our relationship until it came crashing down. However, his friend had not expected us to turn him into the police for cyberbullying. The Warrior and I made a commitment to each other. We would stand up for each other even in the face of horrible rumors. This was our first walk through a bit of hell together.

The summer of 2015 was hard. We didn’t see each other for an entire month and a half due to our summer trips. The distance put a strain on us.  We talked about going on another date. By this point I had been out with a few other people. He told me he felt like I had ignored him a lot that summer but I assured him that I really did want to talk to him. I didn't always have access to the internet and I still had a phone with limited minutes.
We planned our second date together to be a double with the Warriors best friend and his crush. We took a picnic as a group to First Dam at the lake side. We played games together and laughed harder that I’d laughed in awhile. I remember how good it felt to be with the Warrior again after that month and half of trips and separation by miles. Again, I felt like I was home. We took a walk around the lake together just the Warrior and I to enjoy the sunset.

“Would it be weird if I held your hand?” He asked.

“No, why would it be?” I replied.

He reached for my hand and slipped his fingers between mine. I smiled back at him. His fingers sent energy all up my arm that rushed through me. I was finally home, out in nature with the Warrior by my side. I inhaled deeply taking it all in as we stood hand in hand at the far edge of the lake. It was absolutely perfect.

This date was our hope. For a long time we had been afraid to go on another date together because of how painful the rumors were after Sweethearts Ball. We needed to go on that second date, not just for us but to heal. Going on this second date together screamed loud and clear that we wouldn’t let anyone else break us apart.

As the leaves changed and the air turned cold, so did our relationship for a while. The Warrior wanted me close but pushed me away, then wanted me close again. I didn’t understand until the day he told me that he was suicidal.

He was angry that I told his parents how much he needed help. For two months we didn’t speak to each other. Every time I saw him around school I wanted to run up and hug him so hard that I squeezed the frown right out of him. He was the only one that I felt truly understood where I had been. Through it all, we still loved each other. Once love grips your heart it doesn’t let go.

Onward we went, setting new guidelines. We had to communicate with each other, that was for sure. I faced mounting homework and hardly got a chance to sit with our group at lunch. Finally, he started coming with me to the ACT classes because he knew how lonely I was. I had found a place to be tested for my academic challenges and he was the only one I told how afraid I was of those test results.  

On February 1st, 2016 I was diagnosed with ADHD and SLD’s. He was the only friend I told about the diagnosis as well. I was so embarrassed and afraid of the diagnosis I kept it on the inside hidden away from my pears as much as I could.

Junior Prom came around and he asked me to prom the same day. I knew that his act of asking me to Prom took every ounce of courage he had. I knew that asking me meant he’d have to fight his Social Anxiety something fierce. Going to Prom with him made me feel like the luckiest girl around. That night was incredible. We took song requests with us on three by five index cards. Being with him again on the dance floor was exhilarating. It was a reminder that he had always been my favorite dance partner.

That night I shared my first kiss with him under the moonlight. It was amazing how that first kiss made me shine and I knew at that moment that we would share more. There is no one else I would rather share that special kiss with. Even now I never have given my lips to another.

I thought that night that we could really be together. The painful truth is that there came a time when we couldn’t hold together anymore. This year everything changed. My Warrior hit a roadblock with his mental illness. I couldn’t see just how big his fight really was. I regret that. It's painful to know that his roadblock is what ultimately shattered us. I have come to realize that he understood me so well because he was on a level high above mine that no one understood.

I never expected to feel like he had betrayed me, for him to push me away so far that it shattered our relationship or for it to hurt so much. I could run, and he would shatter. I could stay and he could shatter. There was no easy answer. I don’t want him to feel like I gave up on him because that isn’t the truth.

He always said “I won't give up on us” like the song I Won’t Give Up On Us by Jason Mraz. We called it our song and it still makes me think of him. Now the song sends chills down my back and tears to my eyes. It is so close to our story that it just reminds me that he did give up when we never intended to end our relationship.

“I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating….I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find. 'Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the earth .We've got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it. No, I won't give up”

“I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily, I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use, The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend, For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not and who I am”

I Won’t Give Up - Jason Mraz
After he essentially broke up with me he wanted to immediately carry on still being best friends. At the same time he picked apart everything wrong with me. He had never done that before. I walked away knowing that sometimes it is better to walk away for a while rather than to hurt each other more. My intention wasn’t to end it.

I want to be the girl in his arms but i'm not. It was the ultimate betrayal after I had been through so much with him. Knowing that I can't be good enough for the Warrior is knowing that I lost everything! It’s horrible to know that he gave me up for someone else! He was always the one who made me feel accepted but now, he just makes me feel like everything is my fault and I know that it isn’t. We had so much going for us.

I realized that he doesn’t know what he lost with me yet. When this cycle of brutal demons in his head ends he will see what he did to me. When he does come back to his senses, I hope that he can cope with it. My Warrior lost his battle against mental illness. He has fallen to his demons.

Now is the time for me to be my own warrior. I don’t know if I will ever find the kind of home again he gave me. I don’t know if I can ever love anyone again like I loved him. However, in order to love, we must be willing to take the risk that our hearts can be broken. If we were never willing to take that risk we never would have shared our first kiss, our first date, or a bond of trust. It is human to face heartbreak. We just hoped it would never happen to us.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Why a Teenage Support Group Should Exist for ADHD & Learning Challenges

Hi everyone,

Today I wanted to talk about support groups. Ive been feeling way to stressed out lately and its time to kick some of that stress back in the face. Why isn't there an online support group out there for teenagers just like me? My phycologist recommends that I find people who relate to me but the truth is those people are far and few between. While internet safety is probably the biggest concern for a teenage support group, I still think that one should exist.

Being totally honest here, I blog to share my story. I hope that through my posts I can find others like me. Unfortunately, there has been low demand for posts, and the blog hasn't grown as I have hoped. Granted, I often can't write twice a week as I want to.

However, even if my posts are not as often as I would like them to be due to my life demands with school and work, I do encourage all of you readers to comment on posts. How old are you? How often have my posts been beneficial to you? Are you a parent who shares posts with your kids? Possibly, we could all get a group going like that.

So, What are the pro's and con's to a support group?

A support group is made to find connections with people who know what your going through. That's a good thing. It allows you to feel less alienated and to find more acceptance which in turn can boost self esteem. Also a very good thing. Talking out frustration is great stress relief, and feeling that your not alone in doing so is fulfilling basic human need to be accepted. People out there, they should see and realize that you are beautiful the way you are, even with those parts of you that you know you can't get rid of.

While on the flip side a support group can be non accepting too, but if they are ... arn't they kind of hypocrites because their gonna struggle too? Yeah, a support group means you help other people too, but is that really a bad thing? I don't think so. Helping others is proven to increase happiness and dopamine levels so, go help someone and get your natural rush.

I think there is a lot of good that could come from a support group for teens. For example, connecting with others allows you to share and collect tips for stress relief. It allows you to set goals and to share what your doing to improve. You inspire each other to work harder. Maybe what works for you will work for some one else and maybe it won't, it is all about exploration.

Tell me what you think in the comments down bellow. Do you think there should be an online teenage support group? Why or why not?

Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - Movie Review

We watched this in my Creative Writing Class. There is a lot of symbolism behind it that feeds my inner creative self. Our instructor used this movie to teach us about risk-taking in the process of writing. To write well we have to find our true creative identity. It's about the journey itself and the process of discovery.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

What is my Creative Identity?

So a little background on this is that this post was not written to be just a post. In fact it wasn't even written with the intention of being a blog post but it turned out so good I thought I would share it with my internet readers too! So, I actually wrote this as an assigned essay for my Creative Writing Class, which by the way if you can't tell is obviously like my absolute favorite class EVER guys! My teacher for this class, he's pretty cool too. It makes any class better to have a good teacher.

The Essay is based on Walter Mitty from the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, as a metaphor for our own creative journeys. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is about a guy who publishes the cover photos for life magazine. He is partners with the famous photographer and loses his Negative, the last cover photo for the last issue of the magazine. He has a whole journey to find the photo and connect to the girl he loves. The actual essay may appear here in a different fount for which I apologize but it will show up that way because I copy and pasted it out from my school assignment.

What is my Creative Identity?

Being a creator is about finding that place where no one has the power to tell me that I can’t reach my dreams. It is in the act of creating that I find my strength when I feel like I have nothing left at all to hope for. It’s in the days that I want to give up so badly, that creation heals my soul.
Walter Mitty lost the Negative for the most famous photograph to be published on the cover of Life magazine. Being creative is not an easy journey. It hurts, I fall down, I break things, I get told that I can’t do it, or that I shouldn’t.  My pears ask me why I put forth so much effort into a field that I can’t be successful in, according to them. But in reality I struggle every day to do something that is so natural to them, to read and to spell. In fact it's one of my worst fears to read anything aloud, even my own writing. Not because I don’t want to share my writing but because I struggle to read. The words turn into a foreign language and I stumble over them. Those people who laugh at me don’t have a clue how lucky they are. They’ve never known what it feels like to free yourself in creativity. They’ve never sacrificed everything they have to create something amazing.
In Walter Mitty's moment of discouragement he threw away what he wanted the most. He started to believe that he should just go back to being “normal”. As creators it is inevitable for us to face moments like this. It is in these moments that I have proven myself as a creator. I will admit to rough patches in my creative journey but I’ve always gotten up.  It’s easy to believe the opposition and  voices in the back of your head telling you “this is crazy” “Why are you doing this?” or “You will never be good enough”. Honestly though, the biggest limitation to creativity is myself.

The daydreams of Walter Mitty seem to be unproductive, but it was those daydreams that pushed him past his comfort zone right into his limits. His day dreams really reminded me of myself. People think that ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a bad thing but it isn’t always. ADHD allows me to see the whole picture all at once. While ADHD is admittedly a limitation too in the fact that I can’t sit still through a lesson and  the fact that I experience all lifes scenes at once, it’s also a gift. In the moments I seem to be unfocused are the moments I am dreaming and creating. While I am forced to live life out of focus, I’m also forced feel everything at a deeper level. Every tear is a moving expression of strength not weakness. Every smile is a feeling of standing at the top of the world. Every moment of compassion is deep empathy. Finding someone who doesn’t make fun of me is difficult. Finding someone else who know’s what my disability feels like is nothing shy of a miracle.
My daydreams are life like generations in a three dimensional explorable sphere of thought. It’s like creating a super high definition virtual reality inside my mind. I can see every angle, describe every color, taste, smell, and emotion connected to it. Walter Mitty learned that he had to walk right into his story. The biggest limitation to this gift is that you as a reader can’t see what I see exactly how I see it. I can’t bring you into my mental virtual reality physically, but I can write about it.
In the scene where Walter is in Iceland he is told to “Jump in the boat” from the helicopter to deliver the radio parts to a ship. As I creator I must have the courage to “Jump in the boat”.  To take a step towards something great even when I miss the boat completely, lose the radio parts and nearly drown. The inspiration to create draws upon the stories we carry within us, our environment, our friendships, our jobs and even our sleeping hours.

In the end, we are the only true limitation to our own creativity. I learned through my writing career so far that when I create I must walk fully into my stories to feel my characters emotions, to taste of their loss, and to see their world. I must put my soul on the page because creating is a reflection of what I am, inside. Creation is my act of hope and the strength to do what feels utterly impossible. Through my creation I hope to inspire people to challenge their paradigm.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Life through the eyes of Disability

Every day I wake up and the sun shines in my face is a gift and a miracle, however each new day is a new battle I face. You can't force anyone to see you for what you are. You can't make anyone understand. I can only tell a story that's mine. You can't just wish away a Mental Challenge, it doesn't work that way. That's like being sick and not taking any medicine and insisting that your perfectly fine. What people don't realize is that mental illness IS an illness. Being one of the mentally ill can be humiliating, it can feel like you have this box inside you that you don't want to let anyone in to. Mental Illness is not any less of a serious illness than an viral or bacterial infection is. Those of us with mental illness didn't go asking for it. We can't control it anymore than we can control being born with a physical disability.

The most frustrating thing I have been facing is the fact that a lot of people out there in the world don't listen. I am a student who has been passed through the school system. I struggle every single day with a battle that will never go away, a trail that will wont pass from me, a looming storm that's always in the background. Most of my struggle now to be honest comes from within myself, I doubt myself. My story is long and painful down a lonely road of  sharp thorns, dragons, and fears I never thought existed.

Some nights I lay awake at night in the cold thick darkness wondering if I will see the next sunrise. I wonder how I will awaken to face everything the next day when I am already exsaughsted from today. I wonder how I can keep climbing when I have nothing more to give. What people don't see is how much I struggle through just one day of school. From insecurity to frustration to feeling inadequate ... its all in a days work.

Yesterday our family went up to the lake to meet up with the family of one of my best friends. He asked me how things have been here in town and how I was doing. I thought about how that related to us bobbing up and down on the wakes created by all of the boats in the lake. Life takes us up and down. Sometimes the waves hit us right in the face. Not all waves are created equal. Some where small and barely felt and others so big they knocked us off our feat. Sometimes my disabilitys hit me right in the face too. Some days are worce than others. Sometimes they nock me of my feet.

Later that evening after a wonderfull dinner he walked me out back along the shore line of the lake to talk and watch the sun setting. He pointed out how the smoke from the wild fire made the sun light shine through it into beautiful shades of orange, yellow, purple and pink. I turned to him and said "Isn't amazing what God gives us to find joy in amist pain and grief?" and he looked at me and smiled saying "I find joy in you.

Sometimes I feel like I am a quiet person, but I was reminded yesterday just how much it means to me to have a friend like that. He is a huge support to me, empathic, gental, and uplifting. I don't belive our run into eachother was by coincidence at all. I think it's a mericle. Just knowing that he is out there feeling what I do is a reminder that I am not alone. Together we have seen struggles, tourment, dark days, insecurity and frustration. Yes, we have had our fair share of arguments too.

I think the thing that keeps us together is knowing that life can get better and that stuggles do end. Hope in a place where the was none to be found is what brings us together. Knowing that God loves us enough to help us find each other is amazing. For a long time I have struggled to find a friend who I could talk to and trust.

Mental challenges are not easy, they don't just go away, but when remember who put us here to face them we also remember who can make our week things strong. We remember that hope is found in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Not just for our sin but hope in knowing that Christ knows us better than we know ourselves. We find hope in knowing that he has felt everything we have with exsactness.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, others say I'm a "Mormon". I find joy in my religion. I find peace, comfort, joy, happiness, and hope in Christ.

This post made possible by Logan Remodeling Pros

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Facing My Senior Year and Collage as a Student with Learning Disability

As some of you may know I was diagnosed with learning disabilities in February of this year. It hasn't been an easy road. I am now Seventeen, Eighteen in a little over six months and still can't drive on my own yet. It's embarrassing honestly. Most who get to know me and find out that I have ADHD (Inattentive type) and Processing Disorder and Mathematical Impairment and Reading Impairment wonder how I live my life every day. Its not a coincidence that I am still here. However, I don't let these disabilities hold me back, while I do live differently, I LIVE.

Earlier this week I took my first college tour. Now this wasn't a huge collage, its not really a flashy one either. They accept open enrollment however, giving me hope that eventually, I can get into collage even with my low ACT score that is six months of the dedicated invested time of studding. My Junior year I spent four months without being able to see my friends at lunch because I was studding during my lunch period every day.

I recently found through that there are a unlot of scholarships available to students who struggle with ADHD, ADD and  Specific Learning Disability. (also known as LD's). The website is full of resources to the Learning Disabled and to parents.

Personally, I encourage everyone with Learning Challenges to share their story. You never know how much your story can help someone else. You have the power to inspire, uplift and rise from this. I believe hope is found in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Religion may not be your thing, that's ok. However, most who struggle with a learning disability also struggle to find themselves, self-esteem and hope. Do what makes you feel free. Hang around people who see you before the disability and then don't dis your ability to fly.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Zootopia Movie Review

We had an early out day yesterday so I got together with my friends to see Zootopia which was quite good.

The movie starts out with a seen of the strong picking on the week. The predators on the pray. Then it explains that zootopia lives in peace.

The main Character is a Bunny who wants to be a police officer in the city Zootopia. She has to work really hard at her dream to be an officer. She learns how to do things her way instead of everyone else's way which made me think about my learning disabilities. She wanted to be a police officer to make the world a better place. In her journey to become a police officer she is given a hard time because she is a bunny.

She meets a Fox while she is on parking duty who she became friends with and who helps her to solve the case of the missing animals. She was given impossible odds to solve the case or she would be asked to resign. Her back story was a story of rejection and opposition. Everything told her she couldn't be an officer. The Fox's story, he wanted to be in a peace club but he was rejected because he was a fox. They told him he couldn't be trusted. The bunny didn't know if she could trust him either for a while.

She finds that the Predator Animals are going savage (or crazy) and they thought it had to do with genetics. All of the predators where seen as bad for a while. In reality the sheep secretary at the Police office was targeting the predators to keep the power on the pray. She was part of an operation that shot the predators with a poison that made them go savage. She later realized that she had made a huge mistake and any of the animals could go savage.

In the end Officer Hops and the Fox end up as police partners and friends. They were able to defy the odds before them and become something amazing together.

Officail Trailer:

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