Friday, August 5, 2016

Life through the eyes of Disability

Every day I wake up and the sun shines in my face is a gift and a miracle, however each new day is a new battle I face. You can't force anyone to see you for what you are. You can't make anyone understand. I can only tell a story that's mine. You can't just wish away a Mental Challenge, it doesn't work that way. That's like being sick and not taking any medicine and insisting that your perfectly fine. What people don't realize is that mental illness IS an illness. Being one of the mentally ill can be humiliating, it can feel like you have this box inside you that you don't want to let anyone in to. Mental Illness is not any less of a serious illness than an viral or bacterial infection is. Those of us with mental illness didn't go asking for it. We can't control it anymore than we can control being born with a physical disability.

The most frustrating thing I have been facing is the fact that a lot of people out there in the world don't listen. I am a student who has been passed through the school system. I struggle every single day with a battle that will never go away, a trail that will wont pass from me, a looming storm that's always in the background. Most of my struggle now to be honest comes from within myself, I doubt myself. My story is long and painful down a lonely road of  sharp thorns, dragons, and fears I never thought existed.

Some nights I lay awake at night in the cold thick darkness wondering if I will see the next sunrise. I wonder how I will awaken to face everything the next day when I am already exsaughsted from today. I wonder how I can keep climbing when I have nothing more to give. What people don't see is how much I struggle through just one day of school. From insecurity to frustration to feeling inadequate ... its all in a days work.

Yesterday our family went up to the lake to meet up with the family of one of my best friends. He asked me how things have been here in town and how I was doing. I thought about how that related to us bobbing up and down on the wakes created by all of the boats in the lake. Life takes us up and down. Sometimes the waves hit us right in the face. Not all waves are created equal. Some where small and barely felt and others so big they knocked us off our feat. Sometimes my disabilitys hit me right in the face too. Some days are worce than others. Sometimes they nock me of my feet.

Later that evening after a wonderfull dinner he walked me out back along the shore line of the lake to talk and watch the sun setting. He pointed out how the smoke from the wild fire made the sun light shine through it into beautiful shades of orange, yellow, purple and pink. I turned to him and said "Isn't amazing what God gives us to find joy in amist pain and grief?" and he looked at me and smiled saying "I find joy in you.

Sometimes I feel like I am a quiet person, but I was reminded yesterday just how much it means to me to have a friend like that. He is a huge support to me, empathic, gental, and uplifting. I don't belive our run into eachother was by coincidence at all. I think it's a mericle. Just knowing that he is out there feeling what I do is a reminder that I am not alone. Together we have seen struggles, tourment, dark days, insecurity and frustration. Yes, we have had our fair share of arguments too.

I think the thing that keeps us together is knowing that life can get better and that stuggles do end. Hope in a place where the was none to be found is what brings us together. Knowing that God loves us enough to help us find each other is amazing. For a long time I have struggled to find a friend who I could talk to and trust.

Mental challenges are not easy, they don't just go away, but when remember who put us here to face them we also remember who can make our week things strong. We remember that hope is found in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Not just for our sin but hope in knowing that Christ knows us better than we know ourselves. We find hope in knowing that he has felt everything we have with exsactness.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, others say I'm a "Mormon". I find joy in my religion. I find peace, comfort, joy, happiness, and hope in Christ.

This post made possible by Logan Remodeling Pros